When you begin to “hear” (more on that later) other sources of information, you think you have lost your mind, gone schizoid, dropped your basket, as they say down South. At one time, I worked with chronic schizophrenics, so this was of particular concern to me. I compared myself to the symptoms in the DSM frequently, but could find no correlation. One day, I couldn't take it anymore and I called up a dear friend, M., who was a psychotherapist. We met in a coffeeshop and after a lot of hemming and hawing, I managed to say, “I have been having some intense, um, experiences.”
“Like . . .?”
“I just get information. Like a voice, but not really." I summoned the strength to look her right in the eyes. "Would you do me a favor and test me for insanity?”
Bless her, she barely reacted, just smiled and asked me some questions about the nature of my experiences and what kind of information the voice was giving me. After a while she said, “No, you're not crazy, honey. You sound like a mystic. To be honest, I’ve been kind of waiting for something like this to happen.”
I could not have been more surprised. “Really?”
She smiled. “Oh, yes. Considering all of the conversations we have had, and what we have discussed, there have been times you are speaking from a different space. Inspired. I think you are some kind of guru, or spiritual warrior or something. I have felt that for a long time.” I started to cry from relief. “Just promise me you’ll write this stuff you receive down and show it to me, ok?
I nodded and tried to pull myself together.
I often wonder what would have become of me if she hadn’t responded exactly as she did at exactly that moment. To say she saved me is not to strong. She gave me permission to explore this and be who I was and not for a minute doubt that what I was receiving was authentic.
M. has been integral to my understanding and use of my capacity. She has been my steadfast companion on this path, asking all the right questions, encouraging me to play bigger, compassionate when I feel to terrified to try. If only everyone had an M.; if not for her I’d have stuffed this all down and filled my life with busy work to drown out the divine. She has offered me the space to be afraid, and the courage to explore the vastness of this terrain. I often think her showing up was orchestrated to coincide with my awakening; she was the bonus prize for saying "yes" to this ability. Paul Brady has a lyric, "We are all children headed for the mountain, looking for someone to talk to on the way." No matter where we are in the world, we are side-by-side, facing the climb.