“No more fence-sitting.”
This phrase has come up in numerous ways, with too much consistency and variety for me to ignore it anymore. The time has come to commit to the light, find my way back to myself and embrace all that I am – and all that I allow myself to be. If that sounds dramatic, well, it certainly feels dramatic. These are risky steps I am about to take, in a year that is fraught with risk and uncertainty for so many, so I know I am not alone, but I feel very much alone. Only I can do this, only I can make this choice. I offer my words as companionship to anyone who is facing similar doubts and fears. In the words of my very wise friend, “We have to do it alone, but we cannot do it alone.”
The original meaning of the Greek word mystic was, “I conceal.” If that doesn’t perfectly describe me, I don’t know what does. But the time for concealment is over.
In the modern sense, mysticism communicates a willingness to surrender to the mysteries, to look beyond data and the intellect for truth. It suggests altered states and a desire to experience oneness with the divine. It can mean receiving information beyond the usual methods. All of this is true for me. I channel the words of light beings, I can communicate with souls who have passed on, I can sense and know information about people and situations obtained beyond the five senses and three dimensions. How? Well, how did Mozart hear music, orDaVinci paint or these math savant children recall numbers? Inspiration through a particular ego. Same with me. I don't know if there are words to explain the “how” of all this, but I’ll try to explore my experience in in greater detail over time in this space.
Now, if I lived in a cabin in the woods, sending out some anonymous newsletter every month, my mystical tendencies would be far easier to manage. But I don’t, I live an extremely social and complicated life, with a lot of moving parts. I am a professional, a (too) highly educated suburban wife and mother with an extremely conservative and religious extended family. My family, neighbors, colleagues and associates would not understand nor likely accept me if they knew about my mystical abilities. I have tested those waters, and have mostly run up against fear and judgement. No one beyond my husband and a few extremely close friends has any idea who I am really and what I believe I am here to do.
For many years I tried to inhabit both worlds. Be “normal” by day and let my weird skills fly in the wee hours of the morning. Fulfill my role and then tend to my soul. It was exhausting. A series of life events made it possible for me to gradually start shifting my time and energy, tending to what I now consider my real work more and more. Still, though I hid, and I still hide behind aliases of both the real and artificial kind. I have carefully orchestrated ways to help others in accepted ways. But it is not enough. It has become increasingly clear not only through the messages I channel, but also world events and the continual exhaustion I feel, that it is no longer appropriate for me try and control this information trying to come through me. It is time to take the cork out of the bottle. I am leaving behind the limits of ego to embrace the flow. This blog is my first step into my new life- which is really just a return to my first life, my original being.
When I truly began channeling, I was desperate for companionship, for comfort or wisdom from someone else’s story, but all I could find were books by those who had already passed that part of their journey and offered a brief and breezy summation of how they came to channel. Few seemed to struggle with what it meant for their social network and careers. So I offer my ongoing struggle with living out loud in hopes of making my anxiety and doubt useful for others just starting down this path.